How To Pick Up Women: TF2 Style!
by Trick Steven
Summary: The BLU Scout turns to his teammates for advice about women…but humiliation is right around the corner.
1. Demoman

How to Pick Up Women: TF2 Style! 

By Trick Steven

Chapter 1: How To Pick Up Women: Demoman Style! 

Today was a rare day in the history of the BLU team. Today was the start of a week long vacation.

Although the case of their base being blown to smithereens by a rocket-happy RED Solider was partly to blame for their break, (As was Demoman's "liberal" amount of sticky bombs and grenades in retaliation.) the all-omnipotent Announcer sent them off because as Sniper so eloquently put it, "She's fuckin' pissed."

So as the cleanup crew fixed up the rubble and built a new base, the BLU team went off in their separate ways around the globe to visit family and friends or just to relax.

Scout however, wasn't too thrilled at the prospect of visiting his family in Boston. He still considered his brothers to be in the "jackasses" category and he hadn't forgotten the fact that his mother had slept with the RED Spy. So when Demoman offered him to go to L.A, Scout took the chance.

* * *

A day and a half later, Scout was staring at the beautiful women of West Hollywood…with a look of frustration etched on his face. Sitting at an outside bar with a beer in one hand, Scout was trying his hardest to catch the attention of some pretty girls with no luck. Every time he opened his mouth, he would be ignored, time and time again. Tired of striking out, Scout turned to Demoman, who was sitting on the barstool next to him.

"Man, Demo why are the chicks not diggin' me?" asked Scout, frowning.

"Maybe because ye're not old enough ta drink laddie? Ha!" replied Demoman, grinning as he took a drink from a bottle of scotch.

"Oh come on! I'm freakin' irresistible!" shouted Scout "And anyways I drink all the time at the base."

"Well this isn't the base, if ye haven't noticed." Said Demoman as he paused to watch a particularly buxom woman walk by.

Demoman then turned to Scout and said, "Look, ye wouldn't even be drinking if it weren't for me."

"Ya, the bar guy looked pretty freaked. I guess a black Scottish guy really shakes things up around here."

"Black Scottish Cyclops," corrected Demoman.

"Ya,ya, I know," waved off Scout. "But I swear… these girls have to be lesbian…"

"Ya should tell 'em your bat liner! I'm sure that'll go over well with tha' lassies!" goaded Demoman, elbowing Scout in the stomach.

"You think I should?" asked Scout, perking up.

"Yeah! Women love funny pick-up lines."

"Really?! Well then, ready or not ladies, here I come!" Scout then puffed up his chest and walked over to the nearest girl.

Scout cleared his throat and said, "Hey."

The girl stopped talking to her friend and turned around.

Scout then gave a cocky smile and said, "Wanna feel my bat?"

The girl looked at him for about two seconds, then threw the contents of her margarita glass on his face and walked away.

Scout, shocked, stood there for a couple seconds and when he realized what happened, he turned bright red and stalked back to his bar stool. Demoman, who watched the whole thing, was laughing.

"Oh, that was a good one! I think ye made me cry!" guffawed Demoman, banging his hands on the bar table in uncontrollable laughter.

Scout glared at him. "Shut up! I bet you can't get a chick either!"

Demoman's ears pricked up and he stopped laughing. "A bet, lad? Did I hear that correctly?"

"Yah, a bet! I bet you a hundred bucks that you can't get a girl to come back to your hotel room!" said Scout with fierce determination.

"And if I get two to come back with me? Double tha' money, right?"

Scout snorted in skepticism. "Sure, if you can do it. You'll owe me two hundred bucks if you can't."

"Then it's a deal."

Demoman extended his hand and Scout shook on it.

As Demoman quickly finished up the rest of his scotch and got up, Scout shouted, "You know you're going to lose, right? Those two hundred bucks are mine!"

"That's what you think lad!" shouted Demoman with a laugh.

* * *

A few bar stools down was another girl, this time a blonde, and she was looking bored, stirring her martini glass with a toothpick.

"Mind if I buy you a drink lass?"

She looked up and saw the Demoman. Her face lit up and she flashed him a smile.

"Sure, sure! Oh my god, are you from Ireland?!" asked the blonde excitedly.

"Eh, close enough," shrugged Demoman as he took a seat.

"My friend's grandpa was Irish! Hey Carrie!" called out the girl and her friend, a redhead, came by. "This guy's from Ireland!" She then asked Demoman, "You don't mind if she joins us?"

Demoman then leaned back and smiled. "I don't mind at all."

* * *

About forty-five minutes later, Scout was about to give up seeing Demoman win the bet. But before he got up to leave, lo and behold, Demoman, with one woman on each arm, materialized.

Scout's eye twitched. "But…h-how?"

"Oh I guess women here like foreign accents," explained Demoman, grinning from ear to ear.

"Irish guys are hot!" giggled the blonde and the redhead in unison.

"Oh my god. He is not Irish! He's a fuckin' drunk Scottish guy! Can't you see that?!"

"Apparently they don't care," replied Demoman. "And ya now owe me two hundred dollars. Have fun giving yourself a twitch for tha' rest of the night! Come on ladies, we have tha' whole night to our selves. Let's enjoy it, shall we?"

And with that, Demoman disappeared with the women and Scout was left on his bar stool, smelling like sour margarita mix and defeat.


	2. Spy

Chapter 2: How To Pick Up Women: Spy Style!

After the failed attempt of picking up girls in L.A and with an empty wallet as a reminder, Scout had decided, humbly enough, that maybe he should get a few pointers first. And who better then to ask the ladies man himself?

* * *

It was a little difficult to track down the Spy, as he liked to keep his traveling private, but Scout was able to locate him in a little coffee house in Seattle.

The Spy had his usual blue suit on but had taken his mask off and was enjoying a latte on the outside patio. As Scout approached Spy's table, the Frenchman spotted him and beckoned him over. Scout walked over to Spy's table and sat down, a little uneasy. As much as he wanted to learn how to score chicks, Scout knew that Spy would probably like nothing more then to rub Scout's mistakes in his face. But Scout decided that the pokes at his ego would be worth it in the long run.

Before Scout could open his mouth to say something, Spy said, "Let me guess. You want advice on women?"

Surprised, Scout asked, "Hey, how did you know?"

The Spy took a sip of his latte and smirked.

"I heard about your little incident with Demoman in Los Angeles."

"Look, I wasn't even tryin' that time!" huffed Scout. "Those dumb broads didn't even know-"

"Ah Scout," interrupted Spy, "The first thing you shouldn't do is to blame women for your mistakes."

"Whatever," muttered Scout, crossing his arms.

"Do you want to learn or not?" asked Spy.

"Yeah, yeah. Just teach me already. I don't have all day, ya know?"

"Neither do I. Now while I doubt that you will be able to comprehend what I'm about to tell you, I will give you advise regardless. After all, I think the whole team would pity you if you died a virgin."

Scout wanted to punch him square in the face for that comment, but he just swallowed his pride and listened to what Spy had to say.

Spy cleared his throat and began. "Women are complex creatures. What one woman finds attractive, another might find repulsive. However, there are a few universal qualities that all women like in a man."

"The first is courtesy. Opening the door for a woman, offering to take her coat off indoors, and paying for the restaurant bill are only a few examples of how a man should treat a woman."

"Oh come on, that sounds like what my grandpa would do!" exclaimed Scout. "Guys don't do that anymore. I've had times where I didn't have enough money to pay for the bill and my girlfriend paid for it."

"And did she leave you?" asked Spy.

"Well yeah but…"

"My point exactly."

Scowling, Scout mumbled something under his breath as Spy finished his latte and pulled out a cigarette from his silver cigarette case.

"Maybe courtesy isn't your forte," said Spy, lighting his cigarette.

He took a long drag on his cigarette and exhaled a plume of smoke as he thought for a moment.

"Perhaps…do you know any languages?"

Spy then realized his mistake and burst into laughter, nearly chocking on his cigarette. "Oh silly me! That was a ridiculous question."

"Why the hell would it matter anyway?" asked Scout, growing increasingly angry toward his teammate. "Not every girl is into pussies like you."

The grin that was on the Spy's face instantly vanished and was replaced with a look so venomous that it could stop a rampaging Heavy.

"What did you say?" Spy asked.

Scout, who was enjoying the furious look on Spy's face said, "What? You need your ears checked or somthin'? I said you were a pussy. Pussy, pussy, pussy, puss-"

Suddenly, Spy grabbed Scout by the collar of his shirt and pressed his butterfly knife to the boy's throat.

"You're lucky that I like to keep this suit clean or else I would've slit your throat for your insolence," growled Spy.

He then released Scout from his grasp. The boy had turned pale and was rubbing his throat gingerly.

Spy put on his mask of cool indifference and said, "I tell you what. Why don't we have a little competition ourselves?" Spy flicked his cigarette butt and continued, "Only this time, money isn't at stake."

"So what is?" asked Scout, still rubbing his throat.

"Your dignity," replied Spy. "If you lose this challenge, then you will have to dress up in a bunny suit for an entire week at the base."

"O.k and if you lose?" asked Scout.

"Then you can call me whatever you like, for as long as you want, without me trying to kill you."

"So I can call you fag, pussy, fairy, douchebag, co-"

"Yes, yes," interrupted Spy, frowning a little. "But only if you win, which I highly doubt."

"You're on!" Scout said with a grin. "So what's the challenge?"

"It's simple. Whoever has the most phone numbers from women wins."

"Really? Man, I'm gonna cream you on this one. See you later, douchebag!"

With that, Scout was gone. Spy simply took one last inhale of his cigarette and then threw it on the floor, putting it out with the heel of his shoe.

"We'll see about that little bunny."

* * *

The first girl Scout met was sitting on a bench, reading a book. She wasn't really Scout's type, but after all it was a competition.

Scout slid next to the girl and put his arm around her.

"Hey baby," said Scout with a confident smile.

The girl stopped reading and before Scout could react, a book hit him in the face.

"Weirdo! Get away from me!" screamed the girl, repeatedly hitting Scout with her book.

Trying to cover his face with his hands, Scout said, "Oh come on! I was only going to ask you for your-" but the book struck his nose, causing it to spurt blood.

"Forget this," he said to himself and ran off, but not before flipping off the girl.

He sprinted to a nearby restroom and looked at himself in the mirror. The blood from his nose was dripping down his face and he cleaned it up as best at he could, but even with the water, his nose was still bleeding. Using toilet paper to staunch the bleeding, Scout looked into the mirror and muttered, "Aw man. How am I supposed to get those phone numbers now with a busted nose?"

Out of the blue, an idea struck Scout.

"Why didn't I think of that before! He'll never know the difference! I'm so gonna win this!"

Scout then ran across the street towards a convenience store and grabbed a pen that was on the counter. He then grabbed some flyers that were posted on the store's wall and went into an alley with his supplies. Making sure that no one was around, Scout then ripped the flyers into strips and wrote phone numbers on them, trying to write them with different handwriting. After writing about fifty phone numbers, Scout stuffed them into his pockets. However in his rush, he dropped one. Noticing the strip of paper on the floor, Scout bent down to pick it up.

"You're missing a digit."

Startled, Scout whipped around to see the Spy behind him, carrying a laundry basket filled to the brim with phone numbers.

Spy looked amused. "So the hunt didn't go exactly as planned, right Scout?"

"Uh, ya it did. Look at all the phone numbers I got!" Scout grabbed a handful of his phone numbers and shook it.

"Oh please. Even if they were real, they wouldn't be enough to beat me," replied Spy, putting down his basket. "And since you cheated, the terms of agreement have changed. Now you will have to wear a bunny suit for a month."

"What? No way! I'm not gonna do that!" exclaimed Scout.

Spy pulled out his butterfly knife and examined it nonchalantly.

"You know," he began, "Scouts are very easy to replace. It doesn't take much skill to run around and shoot a gun."

Scout swallowed audibly.

"O.k, o.k, I'll do it.," grumbled Scout.

"Good man," said Spy, patting Scout on the back. "I'll be looking forward to seeing you as a bunny when we get back to the base. Au revoir Scout!"

Spy then cloaked himself and the sound of disembodied footsteps grew faint until there was only silence.

Scout was alone again, naturally.

* * *

_Author's Note: So as you can see, I decided to continue my story to include most of the classes (Except for Heavy and Soldier as it's hard for me to visualize them hitting on women.). I also decided not to write Spy or Medic in accent as I find it very difficult to read and write in them. It might take me a while to write the other chapters as I am busy at the moment, but I will write them when I have the time. Thank you for reading my story!_


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